“Right, I’ve had a request from some friends.

Al, I mean Boris, that’s what YOU call him, of course, well he’s been having a tough week. And there are just so many old pictures of him looking tired (probably hung over actually) that his friends can dig up to generate sympathy. Besides which, “leave him alone, he’s doing the best he can” is what you shout at your kid’s footie match, not really a good look for our Prime Minister, is it?

So we need some dirt on Keir Starmer. And proper stuff, not the sort of thing that we have to delete from Twitter after a few hours.

Come on now – Harry, Ian, what have you got for us? You’ve been sat on his doorstep, trawling through his rubbish for months: I want something as big as the Telegraph’s “bonking prof” story last weekend.

He owns some land?

I was hoping for, I don’t know, extramarital affair, corruption something a bit bigger but go on, what’s this land worth? Where is it? Does he grow drugs on it?

He keeps a donkey on it?

But the land IS worth ten million pounds? Great, we have a story. Go with “Man of the People” Sir Keir Starmer is secretly a millionaire line. I know millionaires aren’t on your “Who we are hating this week” list but it’s the best we’ve got.

Now get off Zoom, and give me 500 words on tomorrow’s lead – Do YOU know a cowardly teacher? Photos of real teachers’ gardens show what they’ve REALLY been doing over the last months! Free white feather in today’s Daily Mail.”